how I've been finding myself, as the eldest daughter of immigrants
thoughts on rebellion, familial expectations, and figuring out who you are.
For so long I was on the struggle bus when it came to figuring out how to be more me.
As the eldest daughter of immigrants, my family pretty much told me who to be, and I had such a hard time hearing my own voice.
I was rewarded with attention + love when I followed the rules, so my choices reflected what I was told. I lived for the approval it got me.
I really didn’t know who I was.
In my late teens, I made small choices that my family disapproved of: cut my hair short, started drinking alcohol socially, went dancing on Friday nights.
These choices didn’t really hurt anyone (but if you know South Asian families, it definitely felt like I hurt them), and yet, in the moment, doing these things brought me joy that didn’t depend on anyone’s approval.
And it almost felt like a high: I wanted more.
At first, I thought rebelling would be the best way to bringing myself this kind of joy. I started making choices based on the opposite of what was expected of me.
If they told me I shouldn’t eat something, I tried it. If they said don’t wear these shorts, I wore them. If they didn’t want me to go out somewhere, I wanted to be there, just for the sake of it.
A few years of that (and the exhausting fights that came with it) and I learned that rebellion can have a hold on your choices just as much as the desire for approval.
Rebellious choices also aren’t your own — they’re the ones other people in your life don’t want you to make, which means they still have control over you.
Ultimately I had to learn how to choose what’s best for me by figuring out what brings me the most inner joy, organically.
And that has been hard AF.
I’ve had to get to know myself, my values + my priorities intimately through deep reflective work.
I’ve had to sit in stillness + feel into my body, which has been one of the hardest things to do for more than 30 seconds.
I’ve reluctantly leaned into the rage, hurt + ache of my triggers when they flare up, learning that they are often my inner child upset about unmet needs.
I’ve written down the feelings, the physical sensations, the thoughts running through my mind during those triggered moments, and that documentation has allowed me to reflect + learn about myself with a clear mind later.
I’ve had to separate myself from the thoughts of doubts and shame my mind plays on loop, and interrupt them.
I’ve asked myself who’s voice I hear when those thoughts come through, and learned it isn’t mine.
I’ve had to identify where there is tension in my body and learned to breathe into it, and found connections between that physical tension, my thoughts of doubt and shame, and my rage.
I also consider my daily routine, the people in my life, my home, the little things, to make sure they bring me joy, and adjust what doesn’t.
And I do all of this work pretty regularly.
My priorities + values change depending on the seasons of my life, the state of the collective, and my dreams for the future — so the work is ongoing.
There are three critical pieces that helped me find + sustain inner, organic joy:
Get super clear on what I truly value / want to prioritize, outside of what's expected of me
Learn how to believe in myself + believe I deserve good things
Surround myself with sisterhood that is also doing this work, who lift me up, cheer me on, and guide me.
This work is not meant to be done alone + the community element is essential to having it stick.
And, despite the years of work I’ve done on this, I still get triggered / repeat old patterns / lose myself on the regs.
I’m a work in progress, learning as I go.
Hey! I’m Kirn, a business + clarity coach, strategist + guide for creative women who are seeking sustained joy + alignment in their life + work.
I've spent over 8 years in the white male dominated corporate world, feeling like I was suffocating + completely out of place.
Like many daughters of Indian immigrants, I also spent a lot of timing feeling disconnected from my culture, facing + challenging misogyny, patriarchy + familial expectations.
A stress-induced breakdown in mid-2017 changed the way I viewed my life and put me on a journey towards finding myself, connecting to my core values, and living in deep alignment + joy.
Now, I support women in uncovering and living out their wildest dreams + desires in business + life.
If this resonates, learn more about working with me here.